Frosty's gonna be a semi-regular contributor to the blog for the near future, so look forward to some more of his stuff down the line.
For now, here are his esteemed America East Mascot Rankings:
Teddy’s an idiot. What’s he gunna say next, the Marlins have the best cap in the MLB followed by the Rockies? Come on! To read Teddy’s rankings of America East Mascots scroll down.
They are now listed below mine, appropriately. While I disagree with his rankings I still recommend you read his article, being an election year and all. It’ll serve as good practice for the all bullshit you’ll read in the coming months.
Before I drop knowledge allow me to thank Craig Moonshine, the Dr. James Naismith of H&V. I am unsure whether or not he’ll submit rankings or even comment on any mascot article. After being fondled by Buddy Bat as a child it surprises me Craig even allows these articles to be posted (Editor's Note: I was extremely uncomfortable with Buddy reaching towards my shaft, but he told me he was measuring my inseam. C'mon, I was like six of course I believed it.)
By the way, I’m posting with the worst first. Making lists in ascending order is as intelligent as the writing on Family Guy.
9. Wolfie- Stony Brook
"I look like Fonzi standing next to this fruit"
Wolfie should be hunted down and shot. Simple as that. Not only does the jackass live in Long Island, (The only good thing to ever come from Long Island is Rakim, everything else can meet the same fate as Wolfie) but his name is “Wolfie.” If you think this name is nifty like Teddy does, I beg you to name your first born child “Homo-sapiens-ie.” See how cute it is when your kid comes home from his first day of Kindergarten with Indian (err…Native American?) burns on his neck.
8. Gnarlz and Wild E. Cat- UNH
More than Friends...
Teddy points out that these two mascots don't look related, I'm not too sure about his assessment but I hope he's right. Simply put, Gnarlz and Wild E. Cat seem like they enjoy weekend trips and vow exchanges across the border in Vermont. Also, again with the names! The only Gnarlz I know is a pop music star, and if your first name and middle initial are Wild E. you better be a damn Coyote.
7. Rally Cat- UVM
Threatens Freedom
Since the first time I met the Rally Cat I had suspicions about him. What kind of rallies does this guy attend? Then I found the picture posted above. This cat is an environmentalist, and therefore most definitely a fascist. (Think about it, the two go hand in hand.) I ask you all to look closely at what this guy is attempting to recycle. My attention is first drawn to the frying pan. This God damn cat wants
to ban trans fats! The Commie Bastard! The boxes he wants to recycle haven't even been opened. Rally Cat is about to throw out Swiss Miss Hot Cocoa! I don't wanna incriminate myself (5th Amendment WIN) but I've murdered for less. I don't mean to rant here, but if you see this Cat at the next Nazi Rally you attend, don't say I didn't warn you.
6. Damien and Lil D- Albany
Take Care of Your Responsibilities As a Father
Lil D is Damien's son, but there is nothing great about either of these Great Danes. In fact, Damien is a dead beat. I remember going to UAlbany games before Lil D was cramping Damien's style, when he lived for car rides over to Siena and pissing on that ugly Saint Bernard's fire hydrants. But one day Damien came to a game talking about the "bitch" he knocked up. (His words, not mine.) Ever since Damien has ditched his fun loving ways and each night fills his water dish with
whiskey and downs bags of bacon flavored treats. Damien is an ass. Damien's litter, comprised of only Lil D due to a narrow urethra, is illiterate much like everyone else who puts Lil before their name.
5. Baxter- Binghamton
Good Samaritan
Unlike a lot of these other mascots Binghamton's Baxter is a good guy. He's the only bilingual mascot on the list, and is rumored to have once ate an entire wheel or cheese. You may notice his eyes, which are bugging out. Baxter has had drug problems in the past, but entered rehab and has come out clean. A few years ago Baxter would have found a spot closer to number 1 on this list, but a former drug addict mascot is not nearly as funny as a mascot fiend.
4. Rhett- BU
Rhett Lets It All Hang Out
Anyone who knows me knows that Rhett and I have had our differences in the past. Rhett is a wimp, a punk, and most of all a mark ass mark, but compared to these other buffoons Rhett's alright. While he may get confused as to which uniform to wear to which sport, at hockey games he's in his zone. No Pants, No Problem. Rhett doesn't play by the Puritan's rules. Sure he wears 6 scarlet letters across his chest, but frankly my dear, he don't give a damn.
3. True Grit- UMBC
Unquestioned Alpha Dog
Let me start with the picture. That's a gang right there and the leader or that gang is undisputed, it's the one standing on two legs with opposable thumbs. Now onto the name True Grit. Amazing. Anyone who's seen the film knows that this mascot must be some kind of thug. John Wayne as a US Marshall hunting for the murderer of a foxy lady's father in Indian (err...Native American) territory is good enough for me to include True Grit, the mascot, in the top 3 of this list.
2. Howie the Hawk- Hartford
"Howie Saved My Marriage"
Teddy states, "What's with the short shorts? I had the unfortunate privilege of meeting Howie?" Is Howie wearing short shorts? Yes. Is he pulling them off? Hell Yes! Teddy, don't be jealous of my boy Howie. Later Teddy says, "What I dislike most about Howie is his facial expression." Once again, I'm left baffled by Teddy's analysis. Howie has a reason to smile. It's a little known fact that he is Big
Birds cousin. How could you not smile if your big cousin was one of the coolest mofos on Sesame Street?
1. Bananas- Maine
Ladies Going Bananas for Bananas
If you don't think Bananas is the Best Mascot in the America East please check yourself into a mental health facility. This mascot is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S! I actually made a few calls and got Bananas on the line. When I reported that he had been ranked number 6 on the list below this one he seemed upset. "Is Bananas gunna have to choke a bitch?" he asked. He just may.
-FF
0 comments:
Post a Comment