Athletes + Rapping = ?

Famous people are really interesting, and I don't write this as someone who reads all the junk tabloids and Perez Hilton all day. I mean, I've got a life and I like women, I don't have time for all that junk. It's just really interesting because, conventionally, people get famous because of their talent in a certain area -- Michael Jordan played ball, John Lennon sang and wrote music, Mark Twain wrote novels, Denzel acts, and Charles Manson killed people. Oh, and politicians lie, cheat and steal. Obviously in this day and age, you've got your Speidi types who are famous for reasons that are frankly beyond my comprehension.

However, for a lot of these people, the fame brought about by their natural gifts isn't enough -- they want more. Actors want to get into music, musicians want to get into the film industry (providing us with such gems as Common in "Just Wright"), athletes want to get into movies (I, for one, have seen "Space Jam" around 20 times, although I haven't watched it in like ten years), and perhaps most interestingly, athletes get into music. More often than not, at least in the past 25 or so years, it's involved football and basketball players getting into rap music. It makes enough sense -- you don't have to be good at a musical instrumental or be able to sing well; really you just write some lyrics and hook up with a producer to put together a good beat for you to rhyme over. Shame on you if I thought it made enough sense because a majority of football and basketball players are black; I'm above stereotypes...at least publicly.

So let's examine this trend a little bit and look at some athlete's forays into the world of hip-hop, there's some good, some bad and some flat-out ugly.


The 1985 Chicago Bears -- The Super Bowl Shuffle




Simply put, this is basically the gold standard when it comes to this topic. First off, they're wearing their jerseys and full gear. Some may nix it, I find it awesome. And let's be fair here -- let's judge this for it's time. To us, the beat sounds cheesy, the lyrics aren't great and the flow is all too slow. But that's part of it's charm -- it's a beautiful capsule of the extremes of the 80's and most importantly, it's a song where they rap about how great they are, and you know what? They followed it up, going on a dominating run to a Super Bowl victory. Thus, "The Super Bowl Shuffle Is Immortalized".


Corey and the Fins -- Can't Touch Us




If anything, this was a product of some bad timing. It came out around the same time as Vanilla Ice was getting big with "Ice Ice Baby", thus causing every white kid in the greater Miami area to believe that they can make it big in the rap game because that idiot did. Also, they sample a song, which is strike number one, and worst of all, they do it poorly. And it's a Miami Dolphins video, but where in the hell are the Dolphins? Where's Dan Marino? Where's Mark Clayton? Where is anyone who is not an offensive lineman? And who in the hell is this Corey guy? In short, everything that is right about "The Super Bowl Shuffle" is wrong in "Can't Touch Us". And in this time, the Dolphins never won a Super Bowl. Hate to state the obvious, but someone could touch them.


Shaquille O'Neal -- Strait Playin





I'm going to ignore the lame, Peter Framton-esque wokkie sound thing in the beginning of the song. And I'm going to ignore "Kazaam". Everything Shaq does is awesome, and it's as simple as that. Case closed.


Kobe Bryant ft. Tyra Banks -- K.O.B.E.






As far as I'm concerned, this is what dissolved the Shaq-Kobe union out in LA. And when I say union, I don't mean any sort of marriage since we are talking California here. Simply, Shaq can rap and Kobe can't. In fact, Shaq blew Kobe away with his lyrical fury so much that Kobe was speechless when presented that fateful question -- "Kobe, tell me how my ass tastes?". We still have yet to know the answer. C'mon Kobe, man up and tell us! Judging by this performance alone, I doubt we'll never know the answer. Kobe's undoubtedly one of the fifteen or twenty best players ever, but the man grew up in Italy and the Main Line -- he should've just accepted that he's a hell of a baller and not a product of any sort of mean streets and just leave it at that. Unfortunately, he didn't and know we're left with this feat of artistic genius.


Charles Barkley -- Taco Bell Rap





A lot of people aren't too high on this rap attempt, and I can partially understand why. Lyrically, it's not very good. The beat could have been better. And why in the hell does Lamar Odom pop up? Is it because his wife is a valued customer at Taco Bell or something? Shit, Women + Weight = Taboo. However, none of this can be leveled at Chuck. He's stuck with the lyrics given to him and the advertising people came up with the whole background of the ad and the inclusion of Odom (who interrupts Chuck's verse... that bastard!). But does The Round Mound of Rebound pull it off to make it semi-respectable? Absolutely. I love Charles Barkley and I like Taco Bell, therefore I like this song.


Ron Artest -- Champions




A big deal of this song was made because in the middle of Ron Artest's postgame interview after winning the NBA title, in the middle of thanking his therapist and doctor, he made sure to promote this very single dropping. Just because of the nature of the beast, I was skeptical at first, without taking into full consideration this is Ron Artest we're talking about here.

To begin with, the context of this song is pretty incredible. Artest wrote and recorded the song last offseason after he'd been signed by LA and promised to drop it if the Lakers won the title (which they obviously ended up doing). With regards to the song itself, it's damn good. I love the beat and lyrically, it's actually really good. He made bold proclamations throughout, things like this:

"I love the fourth quarter/ I love the ninth inning/ I love Game Seven"

Here's the crux of this argument -- he, like the '85 Bears, backed this up. When was Ron Artest at his best in the NBA Finals? Game Seven, when the moment was the biggest and when the stakes were the highest. And, of course, he reps Queensbridge. I know I've already said that "The Super Bowl Shuffle" is the gold standard in athlete-rap forays, but that's speaking 25 years after the fact. In all honesty, I think this song could eventually surpass it, because despite all of it's charm, "The Super Bowl Shuffle" is a novelty and will forever be one; "Champions", however, is actually a damn good song.

History will determine whether this song will remain in lists like this for years to come, but for this very moment, it's deservingly near the top, if not at the very summit.